At the time of writing, I do not have a formal diagnosis, but by the time you read this I will have. So sure am I that it is just waiting to turn my life around, that I shelled out the best part of a grand for a private psychological assessment, within 2 days of someone suggesting that I get one, which for a chronic over-thinker is no mean feat (to put it into context, it took me 18 months of indecision to invest in the Macbook I'm typing this on!)!
'I also think you might want to get tested for ADHD'
I'd like to say the words came out of the blue. In the context of the conversation we were having, they kind of did… But then they also kind of didn't. Because the entire preceding conversation was textbook ADHD. And after that conversation, when I had time to digest what I had brushed of as 'bants', actually processed what had been said, in the context of similar conversations with others, and thoughts of my own over the last few weeks and months (2 years to be precise). Descriptions to my husband and friends of the constant exhaustion I feel, over and above what would be expected from my (undeniably tiring, but no more so than those of my colleagues) life.
The descriptions of the constant mental chatter which I thought was 'just anxiety' despite me not exhibiting any other symptoms of anxiety a lot of the time. Chasing myself in circles over 'simple' decisions such as whether to look at the clock when I wake in the night, whether or not I dare risk going to the toilet in case I wake my youngest and then he doesn't get back to sleep and then he's tired all day at school and comes home in a rage because he's worn out and I can't cope with it because I'm exhausted from being awake at stupid o' clock too. And then the kids both play up and I lose my temper and feel like a terrible Mum, so no.
…Best just to lie here trying to get back to sleep even though there's only an hour and a half until my alarm goes off and by the time I actually get to sleep it will be time to wake up.…
…But maybe I'll get a full sleep cycle in which will be like a nap and do me good, but maybe I'll wake it the middle of one and wake up groggy and can I even get to sleep because I really could do with a wee and I don't want to wet the bed… not that I've wet the bed since childhood but you never know…
…And if I was going to go I should have done it when I first woke up because then I would have had more time to go back to sleep, but if I go now it will be more time to sleep than if I go in 30 minutes when I'm absolutely desperate…
…But also the kids will be heading into a lighter sleep phase now so it's more likely that I'll wake them now so I'll just lie here going over and over all the ways in which I have just made things worse for myself until my bladder can no longer cope and I go pee…in the dark so that the noise from the extractor fan won't wake the kids and the light won't make me so awake that I can't get back to sleep, even though it's definitely not worth trying to get back to sleep now because it's really too late…
…So I'll just get up and get ready and get into work early so that I can leave earlier when I start to get tired.
But somehow it's 7:40 and I'm just leaving the house, so I actually get to work late…which is OK because it's not that kind of workplace, but I can't leave early now I have to leave late, and that last 10 minutes of the day is going to feel like hell because I will too tired to stop myself from beating myself up about the fact that if I hadn't wasted the 3hours of the morning that I'd been awake, I could've been gone by now.
…And this…all of these thoughts have happened before I've even started work. I'm already knackered.
Since that conversation, four days ago, I've realised, it wasn't just that conversation…it was all of the conversations…all of the things…Everything I know about myself is textbook ADHD. Now I've seen it I can't unsee it, it's like a curtain has lifted from in front of a mirror and all the traits I have witnessed in my friend who made the suggestion are staring me in the face. If the psychiatrist tells me I'm wrong I'll drop dead of shock so it won't even matter!
But the seeing it has intensified it. Instead of just experiencing the thoughts, which was exhausting in itself; I'm now experiencing them and analysing them in the context of this new found insight. Wondering what life is like for people who don't experience an overwhelming number of thoughts every waking minute of every day. Wondering what my own life would be like if I didn't experience an overwhelming number of thoughts every waking minute of every day, what could I achieve? Who could I be? Who could I have been if I had realised this sooner…if someone else had realised. Who could I have been if I hadn't built my entire identity around what I perceived to be character flaws but which were actually signs of a neurodivergence.
What if I had learned to embrace those traits; trust my instincts, follow my dreams, instead of masking them; to fit in. Forcing myself to into a space which was never the right shape or size for the enormity of all that I could have been…for all that I can be. For all that I am yet to be. Because there is nothing to be gained by pining over what could have been. Instead I chose to look forward to the exciting adventures that my diagnosis may bring as I find my rightful place in the order of things, instead of the square hole that this round peg has struggled to wedge herself into for all of these years. Now I get to see who I really am…
Finally unmasked!