ADHD: Still waiting
…Nearly there!
On Thursday- the day before my assessment- I gave up on trying to nap or do anything useful at home, which just left me feeling even more crap when I didn’t manage it. Chucked dinner in the slow cooker and headed off onto the moors to blow away my troubles with my dear friend Jo. If throwing myself into the chaos of escaping piglets, a gorgeous Shetland foal, a deranged goat and her crazy springer Maeve couldn't take my mind off things, nothing would!
And it did…until it was time to leave, and then the horribly familiar feeling of my heart racing, pounding against my ribcage, difficulty catching my breath, feeling light-headed.
Just breathe through it.
Breathe. You are safe.
A warm hug. Reassurance.
Breathe. You are safe.
But every time I thought of getting in the car to drive home to what was coming, the panic rose again. Eventually with the threat of rush hour traffic looming stronger all the time I took yet another a deep breath and set off. The comedy of trying to get off the drive without destroying my suspension, whilst being distracted by the bird of prey over the ponies’ field, and then a herd of cows crossing the road, was enough to put my mind back where I needed to be to drive home to my boys, and dinner, and bedtime and Squid Games and Crashing (to lighten the mood again). And messages of support from the few friends who knew and understood what was impending and a muscle relaxant and …S…l…e…e…p
Friday 15th October 2021: The next chapter
Woken up by eldest child coughing and was none-the-less delighted to see that (thanks to something stronger than Nytol!) it was 06:19, rather than any time beginning with an 01: 02: or an 03: as per the previous three nights. Administered inhalers, Calpol assessed as unfit for school, tried to figure out the logistics of finding a quiet, private space for my assessment with said child at home, failed to get showered or dressed until 10:30 (no need for school run as youngest child is flexing his independence and has little tolerance for my constant chatter on the way to school in the morning!).
But alongside all of this I noticed I was feeling an unfamiliar sense of calm. By the time he came home from school I would have an answer. Worst case scenario…more questions. Well either way there would be more questions, but if I did not get the diagnosis I was expecting the main one would be 'Well what the fuck is wrong with me then?!' Because at this point, I was convinced that there is nothing 'typical' about the way my brain behaves.
Later that evening my husband asked me how I could have known that my brain wasn't 'normal' without being inside anyone else's, and I couldn't really explain it apart from to say- well because it's just not is it?! I just knew. In the same way that before it was presented to me that I might be neurodiverse, I was convince that I was 'normal' and that this was the way sensible brains work; that it was him who had a problem with underthinking things not vice versa. However, once this new theory had been presented to me, it was instantly clear to me that this was not the case.
There’s not a lot to say about the actual assessment itself, which passed in a bit of blur. As much as everything up until this point now made sense; everything from this point will be me trying to make sense of the life I have been living which was created around an idea of person I am not. Processing and adjusting to this diagnosis; how not knowing about it has shaped my past and my sense of self; and what it means for me and my life going forward.
Trying
to
refocus.