Taking the Essential Inhale...

...Because I want to continue to exhale.

I wrote a lot in the weeks as I spiralled into this most recent ‘burnout’. I thought that meant that I would be able to keep my weekly posting schedule, and that would help me to rebuild my trust in myself, give me a sense of purpose and community whilst I’m not at work, and stop my brain from turning to complete mush!

With all the pages of overgrown Instagram posts, notes in various apps and scraps of paper, half written blog posts that took too many tangents and needed to be culled and curated before being released into the world, the endless pages of processing from the last 18 months…. I thought they would tide me over should I find myself unable to create anything new.

I was wrong

Physically there is nothing awry except for a painful and mysterious injury to the top of my right foot, which I have no idea how I sustained (possibly sparring) and a nasty bruise just above my left knee from when my impaired coordination and exhaustion colluded with my most hated machine in the gym (Assault bike), to take me down in a brutal finisher last week!

Emotionally, I am a great deal better than I was two weeks ago- I didn’t cry at all in therapy this week! I am generally feeling less despondant about the ambiguity of my current situation, mostly managing to limit how much time I spend ruminating on the past and feeling hopeful for the future. It was easy to feel like I had ‘failed’ in some way by getting into this state again, like I had learned nothing from the events of 2021, but now I’ve gained some perspective. I’ve finally been able to get back to my window of tolerance, instead of the constant hyper/hypo-arousal cycle of the start of the year and it has allowed me to see that I didn’t blindly walk into this state like last time. I saw it coming (heck I even documented it here), I took the steps which were available to me to try and prevent it, and I even reached out to people expressing my concerns.

It might not seem like much since I am still, despite all this, burned out, but to me it is huge. In my first article ‘Welcome to the rEvolution’ I wrote about the importance of choosing new paths where we have stumbled previously, despite the draw of the familiar. It was almost inevitable that I would burn out again (probably an article in itself) because I had strayed onto an old pathway, and they only ever lead to the same places. I’m not giving myself a hard time about it because I understand the reasons I did that (again too big of a tangent to begin here!), and I can now see which turning I should have taken to give me a chance of avoiding this particular hazard.

Remembering to inhale

I didn’t expect to write this much if I’m honest, because cognitively, I’m still quite ‘unwell’, which is both frustrating and something else (kind of opposite, but not) that I don’t have a word for… perhaps because my brain isn’t fully functional, perhaps there isn’t one! Things like that-the aphasia and being mostly unable to pin my thoughts down, or shut them up are what are causing the frustration. This post has only been made intelligible by the power of the (overworked) spelling and grammar check functions in Word!

Executive functioning skills are still virtually absent, hence why I am struggling to edit and compile anything into what feels like a meaningful post from all of my notes. I’ve managed to utilise some little tricks to help with the essentials, and I’m hoping to get plenty more built in so that when I am able to return to work, I won’t be negatively impacted by the additional requirements on them. I’m managing to cook so far, without the drama of last time and can again still drive, though the 1 hour 45-minute drive to Nottingham for a long weekend seemed to take much more effort than usual, and needed to be bookended by a lie down in the dark with binaural beats.

The other (as yet un-named) feeling comes from the fact that I know that this is a protective mechanism, or at least I hope it is that rather than just a permanent new state of being, which I guess is also a possibility 😳. Whilst my brain is limping through basic daily tasks, unable to focus, spell, or get through more than a few hours without needing a nap, I can’t race back to work and compound the damage, however keen I might be. I had hoped that another couple of weeks might be enough but the Docs have today recommended a month before beginning a phased return (I knew there was a good reason I didn’t hit publish on this when I wrote it days ago!) and I’m taking their advice.

Last time I was forced to winter, I fought against it, rejected the invitation into the unknown and rushed into spring unprepared and expecting the same blooms of every spring before that without fully acknowledging the differences of the new land on which I stood. This time around, I am leaning into a metaphorical hibernation. I am preparing the ground, sowing new seeds, and trying to embrace the fact that I do not know what will grow from them, or me. And that has to be OK.

Welcoming whatever is able to bloom

That seems like a good place to end, as it’s already twice as long as I thought it would be but only half as long as it could be if I carry on with all of the miracles and realisations of last week that I want to share with you! Hopefully I’ll be able to get them out one way or another before too long, but I’m not making any promises, just giving myself grace, and lots of it.

These self-portraits are from a set taken last spring Equinox for Now Now school. The prompt was to create art as an embodiment of ‘Air’ and they feel as perfect for now, as they did last year, when I was again attempting to give myself grace, during my previous return to work.

I’ll leave you with a recommendation for this podcast episode that I recently revisited after originally listening to it back in 2020, and which inspired todays title:

…And this one, which you might notice is by the Dr whose Instagram post I referenced in my burnout by numbers post. It was a bizarre coincidence (rather than that Instagram post!) which led me to listen to this, but I was reassured that many of the strategies that he suggests for healing burnout are things I have already begun to incorporate or consider for the future. I did find it frustratingly repetitious near the start but it was worth persevering past that as there is some solid advice and guidance and he just seems like a lovely guy!

I hope you enjoy them. I’ve got a lot of thoughts in my head about how I came to listen to these- the synchronisity for both and new meaning found in the first. As always I’d love to hear your thoughts on any of the article that might have resonated with you, or have a chat about the podcasts in the comments. Unlike social media, this Substack is a safe space for sharing whatever is in your heart.

        Love

                            Emma
                                                     xxx